A friend of mine told me at lunch yesterday that she is accepting applications for a Walking Partner. I think I am a perfect fit for her open position. I updated my resume and sent it to her this morning:
Deena D. Stevens
Deena is a highly mobile ambulator capable of traversing various terrains while being subjected to multiple weather conditions.
To move along on foot without falling over
Walking – World-Wide:
Walking – 1968 to Present:
Duties included brief travel on foot often seguing into treks of longer duration. Parents were surprised by the quick progression from toddling to climbing up to high places. Areas of ambulatory expertise include wandering, sauntering, skipping, hiking, strolling, jogging, plodding, dancing and prancing. Obtained ability to walk and talk at the same time early on, perfecting this skill throughout life. Candidate is able to walk proficiently in bare feet, tennis shoes, boots, snowshoes, rubber garden clogs, sandals, flip-flops and all thicknesses of socks. Some experience walking in high heels.
Crawling/Pre-Walking – Salem, Oregon:
Pulling Up On Things – Mid-1968: Promoted from sitting position into stand-while-holding-on position. Stand position lead to experience in Wobbling, “Look-at-me” happy bouncing, Let-go-step-and-fall-over routine and Concentrated Forward Movement. The position of Walker was achieved in the first year on the job.
Crawling – Early 1968 to mid-1968: Duties included pulling oneself around by arms, rocking back-and-forth in arched position and ultimately, Crawling. Achieved Crawling ahead of schedule. Quick, efficient movement was always a priority. Mom was only going to be in that bathroom for a few minutes, and there was a whole house to destroy.
Other Walking Activities –
Walking To and From School
Middle School and High School Track Team
Walk To Defeat ALS
Being A Mom
Alberston’s Customer – “I saw Deena walk down that aisle twice today while pushing a grocery cart. I think she came back because she forgot something.”
Ex-Husband – “Deena walked out on me.”
Deena’s Doctor – “I like to hear that Deena walks. She should do it three or four times a week for at least a half an hour at a time.”
Deena’s Dogs – “Walk?!? We get to go on a walk?!? We love walking with Deena!”
Garden Slug – “Deena makes walking look easy.”
I got an interview! I received the following letter in response to my resume submission:
Thank you for your spoof-ume. It appears that you are well qualified for the position.
I will need to check with my scheduling administrator, but I believe you are the most qualified candidate for our “Monday” opening.
Please check your schedule to see if you are available to interview Monday morning after 8:15 am.
This will give us both an opportunity to determine whether your job search and our employment needs match. It will also give you the opportunity to experience our corporate culture. We are a moderate paced, yet thorough company that values multi-tasking: walking and talking. (Plus, my boss wants to know if you can walk, talk and chew gum at the same time.)
Here are some tips for your interview next week.
1. Demonstrate that you are committed and reliable.
We’ve interviewed walkers who just didn’t seem committed to the task at hand. They pretended to be interested in walking, but then they spent all their time on the job “stretching.” The job will include some stretching, but it is primarily a walking position. And no wandering into streets. We’ve had some walkers that just walk off sidewalks into the middle of the road. This is very distracting. The other walkers are rarely able to continue their walking when they must offer first aid. Some people believe that first aid is an ethical issue, but we believe that staying out of road is the real ethical issue. Serious walkers must demonstrate their solidarity to the corporate mission and project objectives.
2. Whatever happens, keep talking.
Some walkers just don’t talk enough. Or they don’t respond quickly enough because they get confused about walking and breathing at the same time. I don’t think this will be a problem for you, but you should be aware that this has been a problem in the past.
3. Please don’t wear heels.
Due to the economic downturn, we were forced to modify our corporate dress policy: Too many of our employees made disability and workman’s comp claims due to sprained ankles. So, now we operate a strictly heel-free workplace. The AFL/CIO filed a discrimination suit, but that won’t go to the supreme court until next fall. Whatever you do, don’t mention this controversy in your interview. And just to be safe, don’t wear those thick heeled tennis shoes either. You might think this is related to the heel policy, but you would be wrong: our fashion VP vetoed them because they just look silly. Please don’t bring up this controversy either. And no roller skates.
In addition, please consider that our business is exercise, not punctuality at the end of your contracted hours. You will be expected to stay after your regular working hours to complete all conversations. This is non-negotiable. Principal Walkers who do not understand the importance of this requirement need not interview.